Hillsides- Longing


What I want most is for people to understand me, not by the outside of me, but by the inside feelings of me.  I want people to know that I am mentally trapped inside of my negative emotions, that are damaging my spirit.  I also want people to never let go of me.  If they let go, I will disappear into darkness.  Many times I want help, but when I open my mouth to say it, I am blocked by the past or by the insecurity of nature within them.  No matter what I do, I will be dragged down into a deep hole.



I long for a better way of life to come and pass us by in a wondrous moment of life. But what can come this lesson in life?  Is it love? Rumors? Plagues? Jousting? Or is it not to be what you see and take the time to reminisce about the wonderful life you did or did not have?  Tell us about yourself.  Are you a knight wandering off to the suicidal plagues of the earth?  But one thing is about to come and take us out.  To exploit us in a demented way.  All we know is that we can learn the errors of our ways.  But what I am really longing for, is for my biological family to call me.  Just once.  To hear their voice.  I have never heard it.



The thing I am longing for is my family and cousins.  These two things are what I long for most.  When I was taken from my family at the age of 3, I was crying because I didn’t want to leave my cousins or my older brother.  But that day brings curses, because my brother was also taken from our mother and we were split apart.  He went to live with our Grandmother while I was placed in foster care.  I never saw my brother again. Until now.  Recently.  I will never forget my brother’s last words to me before they split us apart.  He said, “I love you little brother.  Don’t you ever forget that.” And I never did.



I am longing for a better life for me and my siblings.  That we don’t end up like the adults in our lives.  I want to be the best person I can be when I come out of the system and not in jail like my Dad, or working the streets to get money, like my Mom.  I long to go to college after High School.  To play basketball.  To be able to be there for my little brothers and sisters.  And just maybe, if I put my mind to it, and try hard, I can be in the WNBA.



I long to go to culinary school to become a Wedding Cake Maker.  I don’t know of anything more desirable than that.  If I can achieve my life dream then I will be one happy woman. 



I am longing to find my destiny.  I do not know what it is.  Where is my life going? I know I have to take a chance and see where this life takes me.  Do I stay or wake up and move on to something bigger?  And if I bet my life, I would bet it on going to a full sail university, and becoming a music manager, sports and media agent, or a music producer.



I’m longing to redo the past.  I wish I could go back and choose a different girl to have kids with because I regret what is about to happen.  We are about to have a baby.  A little baby boy.  But the mother, this girl, is abusive, always arguing with me, and mean.  So I wish that I could go back and start over.  I wish that I had waited for the right girl.  I wish that I had waited till I finished High School.  I wish that I had waited till I was more grown up.